- Sleep in. For best results lay in bed ‘til the early hours the night before and worry about all the stuff you need to get done and didn’t do that day.
- Successfully maintain that worrisome mindset while you run around the house in a spirited attempt to get looking half decent for work. Caution, do NOT have your clothes ironed and ready to wear. This will massively hinder the whole set-up.
- Box clever and hide your keys somewhere you won’t remember to look. Preferably half way up the sleeve of a sweater at the bottom of a filled wash basket or somewhere equally obscure (get creative here).
- Important! You must ensure you have a hideous, untamed Barnet and have forgotten to brush your teeth before you leave the house, cleverly having also forgotten to pick up your mobile.
- If you’ve kept up to schedule, you’ll hopefully have missed your transport by now. If you use a car to travel to work, don’t do anything stupid, like have fuel in the tank! Tut tut, NOT acceptable.
- If there’s anything better to slow you down than standing still, it’s going backwards. Go back and get the phone.
- Ring a taxi using the last little speck of life in your phone battery ensuring you have no mobile for the day and then stand in the rain while you wait. That should elevate the stress levels nicely!
- Arrive at work resentful. An efficient way to achieve this would be to mentally list all the reasons you don’t like your job and think about the one person at work you can’t stand, but will definitely be spending the next eight hours in the company of. Keep up, you’re doing well!
- Divide your day into two halves. Spend the first half sulking about the mornings events and the thrashing you got from the boss. Spend the second half realising you look like a drowned tramp and everyone has noticed. With a bit of luck the idiot you work with will look extra preened today, will be in a good mood and will keep fake laughing really loud all day long. That’ll grate on the nerves perfectly.
- Try and squeeze in at least one more bollocking from the gaffer before you return home and eat loads of fatty, sugary, stodgy crappy food and watch the news (God forbid you inadvertently miss out on all the robbery, corrupt politicians and murder in the world).
- Drastically over-indulge on the heart attack fodder spilling over the edge of your plate to the point where you collapse in an overfilled, sweaty pile of mess on the sofa. At this point you should practically pass out and fall asleep feeling bloated and thoroughly drained.
- Wake up about an hour before bedtime and repeat from step 1. Got it? Class dismissed!
If any of this sounds familiar, maybe rethink a few things. What could you do to make your days better, healthier, more productive, more organised, happier and more fun?
